...

I have two favourites. Sonic The Hedgehog and Super Mario Brothers 3. :D

Sparkling grey
In my own veins
Any more than a whisper
Any sudden movement of my heart
And I know, I know I'll have to watch them pass away






GAh.... Family suck. I want to stab them all in the eye... with a sporketh

I love Amber Leaf tobacco because you get some random things written on the packet of papers that comes free with the tobacco... I learn something new nearly every day.

Here are two that I have gotten over the past couple of days:

LATERAL THINKING:
Acting on a tip off, the police raid a flat to arrest a suspected murderer. They don't know what he looks like but they know his name and that he is inside the flat. The police burst in and discover a bricklayer, a taxi driver, an electrician and a fireman playing cards. Without any hesitation or communication, they immediately arrest the fireman.
How do they know they've got the suspected murderer?

DID YOU KNOW?:
The length from your wrist to your elbow is the same as the length of your foot.

Your mouth produces 1 litre (1.8 pints) of saliva a day.



Anybody want to venture a guess to the lateral thinking one? :P

Thank You for making me
feel like I'm guilty
Making it easy to murder your sweet memory
You were way out of line,
went and turned it all around on me again
How can I not smell your lie
Through the smoke and arrogance.
But now I know
So you will not get away with it again
I'm distant in those hollow eyes
For I have reached my end. So...
Thank You for making me
feel like I'm guilty
Making it easy to murder your sweet memory
Before I go tell me
Were you ever who you claimed yourself to be
Either way i must say goodbye.
You're dead to me. So I...
Thank You for making me
feel like I'm guilty
Making it easy to murder your sweet memory
I'm severing the heart then I'm leaving your corpse behind
Not dead but soon to be, though.
I won't be the one who killed you
I'll just leave that up to you
I'm not gonna be here to revive you
I'm not gonna be here to revive you
I'm not gonna be here to revive you
I'm gonna be the one to say...
I told you so (X8)
I told you
Severing the heart then I'm leaving you corpse behind
Not dead but soon to be and
I'm gonna be the one to say I told you so




Can you guess what it is? :P

Things have been quite up and down for me lately. I had a friend come and stay with me for nearly a week, which was cool for a short period of time. About six days. She told me that she was having a hard time so I told her that she coul come and stay with me for a little bit and she did. It was kinda cool. We drank lots and went to karaoke.

I can't believe that I have been with Brendanaka Spanky for nearly two months. That is almost a record for me lol. I've seen him quite a few times and I am enjoying the relationship thus far. He has seen me at my worst a couple of times and he's still around. He must really like me. He just seems kind of distant emotionally. The only time he's emotional is when I have to practically pull it out of him. Otherwise he's quite vacant and stuff. Not in a bad way. If I ask questions, he answers them but getting him to talk about his feelings voluntarily is a bit of an issue if that makes sense.

I'm still not over the abortion. I think it's going to take a while, to be fair. It wasn't an easy decision to make but it had to be made for my own wellbeing as well as those around me. Especially my family. Quite vulnerable and emotional still but it will pass, I'm sure.

Missing a certain somebody too. They know who they are. I just want them back in my life. I worry about them an awful lot. They were my best friend and I fucked it up. Typical me. I should just be shot aha. I'm never a good enough anything for anybody and even when something isn't my fault, I will still blame myself. Probably a BPD trait.

Going to the hospital tomorrow and I'm dreading it. Going for the rather large cyst on my left ovary but apparently ovarian cysts are common in women, so I'm not that worried. I just dislike hospitals. I have bad experiences of hospitals and stuff so ya know. I know I'm not the only one that dislikes hospitals and it's probably just a silly fear. Just really wish I had someone there with me as I'm getting sicker and I'm starting to fear the worst.

Help me. I am petrified.

So I have been staying at my mum's for the past couple of days, which hasn't exactly been a ray of sunshine. I was only here because I'm skint and I have no food. That and my mum's house is a lot closer than mine is to work and college. However, tomorrow I get my loan from the social through. £40 of that is going out straight away. And God knows how much is going out on food and stuff.

Tom (housemate/boyfriend) has fucked off to Rotherham and I don't know when he will be back. I'm guessing that his return is going to be delayed now due to the fact that his marine mate was killed. He was out in Afghanistan and got killed. So, that means that Tom will be staying there to keep Snappy (brother of said marine) company and stuff. I miss Tom but I guess Snappy needs him more. I am not worthy.

Mum has been saying to me that she thinks that Tom is too controlling. I haven't noticed anything as he hasn't tried to control me in any noticeable way. I don't know.

I just need to rant, really. To go on and on forever about everything and nothing. I've barely come up to mum's house since I've moved due to the fact that I don't want to get under her feet. When I get back, I'm going to have to clean my house as it is a total and utter mess. It needs a good cleaning and maybe a vaccuuming. It's my own private hole away from the world, I suppose.

Been feeling particularly crap. I'm barely eating, my sleeping patterns are irregular as hell. I don't know what to do. I have been leaning on Rob a lot lately, which isn't fair on him really as he has B.P.D. too, however he's the one person that actually understands what I am going through emotionally BECAUSE he has B.P.D. He's been so good to me. It's unreal. He phones me and texts me on a regular basis, if not daily. Always there if I need a shoulder. This isn't a slant on any of my other friends that have been there.

I do appreciate each and every one of you. I do. I'm just feeling rather crap, as per usual and I haven't gotten the chance to blog how I'm feeling lately due to being busy and stuffs. I'm looking forward to finishing this course and getting a job. I really want a job so that I can get out of the house and actually get some money in, you know? Have my own independence and shit. I miss having a job so badly. Granted, I would prefer a part-time job as I don't think that I can handle a full-time job at the moment.

In case you didn't know, I am currently training to become a medical receptionist person thing. Thing is the best word to describe me.

Got very drunk the other night and ended up trying to slice my own throat open. God knows what I was thinking because all I can remember is a blur. I don't remember much about what happened that night except for Tom storming off and smashing his keyboard against the fireplace. Also, frantic phone calls to my sister at something daft in the morning asking her if I could go and stay with her because I was afraid of Tom and more importantly, I was afraid of myself.

I think that I have rambled on for long enough. May update later when I have the time and when I am at home.

Thank you for letting me vent.

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

I dont want to be here anymore.

The pretty dress that I want to buy for this swingers clubbbbbbbbbbb






There is a front to the dress but it's nowhere near as interesting as the back ;) Hehehe

Finally back on my anti-depressants. I was a bit two-minded and unsure about going back after my heart problems, but I need them to be stable really. I hate being all over the place. All being well, I shall start to perk up shortly. :) Fingers crossed, eh?

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I need moar pictures of me!! Damnit.

However, check out my pictures and, in gneeral, my profile on myspace at www.myspace.com/xregretxmexnotx

The end.

It seems like everything is falling apart in front of my very eyes. I seem to be losing everybody because of my behaviour and my attitude towards them. I'm feeling kinda worthless (nothing new there then) right now. There is just so much that I want to freaking CHANGE but I CANT and I'm STUCK in this rut that I have created for myself... Maybe not created, but definitely helped to maintain. Change is such a hard thing to do. It takes so much effort. Effort that I simply don't have in me. Every day, I wake up, I'm exhausted, I barely manage to survive the day and then I collapse into bed again and sleep for absolutely ages. The past few days, mum has had to wake me up because I simply cannot wake up of my own accord, which is ridiculous because I used to be able to manage quite fine and dandy. It seems that my body can't cope without the anti-depressants that I was formerly on. I daren't go back on them again, however, my body seems to crave them more than it is currently craving cigarettes. Hell, I'm smoking twice as much as what I was smoking when I was on them.

I know I've said this a thousand times before, but I feel alone and unloved and shit. I just feel like I'm not good enough to be here, where I am, with a family who are half decent and a few close friends that are good to me... but I want so much more than that. I want more for myself than what I currently have now. Having said that, if I get what I need, will it make this feeling of complete emptiness disappear? I highly doubt it. Also, I have a habit of wanting to punish myself because I feel I dont deserve ANY of the stuff that I have so therefore I must be punished.

Alan and I *were* getting close, but despite my feelings, and his, I think that this is better. I can't speak for him, but I am far too messed up to be dealing with any kind of romanticism, especially with somebody who already knows me so well. Somebody who has been there for the past few years, has seem me at my highest and my lowest, and is watching me now kind of thing.

Meh. I feel like such a freaking loser because I *wanted* that but I can't *handle* it. I can't *cope*.

Mehness in a crap sack. I'm starting to scare myself. Suicidal thoughts are coming back with a vengeance and I can't control them or make them go away. They were even there when I went to see Alan. I usually only get them when I'm alone... in my own little prison... Jesus Christ I'm getting worse. And I've even thought it all through and everything... "I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll/ I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds" etc. You get the drift. I dont know what's wrong with me. I had a good weekend with Alan but I think he knew I wasnt totally there. Especially on the Sunday... On the Saturday I was fine... until it got to bedtime. I almost cried. What's the matter with me? I want to be without medication but my body cant handle life without them... Fucking sod's law.

During the past few days, it's all I think about. I'm seeing the psychiatrist on Wednesday. It's a different one. I'm going to have to tell him/her that the medication that Dr Padma put me on seriously endangered my health and that I had to come off them immediately. I hate psychiatrists. Every time I go, and I tell them the truth, there's no point in lying to them, I get scared that they're going to decide they're going to keep me there but they dont have the space for an attention seeking whore like myself. I hate myself and I wish I *was* dead. Sounds so unbelievably emo. But it's true. I hate who I am, what I've done, how I've managed to hurt almost every living soul who took even a little step into my world. Every night, sober or drunk, I take a cocktail of pills, it's never enough though. Every night, at home, I take pills in the faint hope that I wont wake up in the morning. I know I'm doing serious damage to my liver etc...

I dont know what to do anymore... I know what I want to do... but is it worth it?

Sat at college woop. Managed to get on to LJ althought God knows how. It's all strange and stuff.

Fucking hate these people. :/

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo poorly.

Stuff sucks. I feel like shit. Need out. :/

My sister has chlamydia. :/ I always knew she was a slut, and all those times she called me one... she deserves it. Her daughter doesnt, though. My poor niece. I feel so fucking bad for her.

Gots two presents for Alan now. I hope they cheer him up a bit. Hmm. Will see.

Anyways, shleeeeeeeeeep now.

The blood test results are in. The medical receptionist said that she wasnt qualified enough to give me the results over the telephone, which is fair enough, so I've got my mummy making me a doctors appointment tomorrow morning while I am at work. I also have her coming with me to the doctor for some support while I tell him about the lump that I found.

I'm fucking petrified out of my skull. However, as a wise doctor once said to me "Hope for the best but expect the worst". I shall try to remember that while I'm shitting myself waiting to go to the doctors for these results.

I am so sick of being sick. I am so sick of being permanently weak. So weak to even stumble across the hall at times to go to the fucking bathroom. Wednesday seems like such a long time away for these blood test results.

Had a nice weekend. Had Alan over despite the fact I kept moaning about how ill I was feeling. I still tried to plaster on a smile. I still tried to have a laugh and a joke... until it got too painful.

Dear God, I want to be well again. If you can read this, whoever you are, you superior being, make me better so that I can GET THE FUCK ON WITH MY LIFE! Thank you very much. Amen.

Meh. I feel like crap. I need a hug. :(